LIGHTING

One of the more subtle signs that you are in an AssCastle is Lighting. There are basically three types you will find:

Lighting made to hide a person’s age (thank you Blanche Dubois),

lighting to make you think you are still out at a club or disco,

lighting that might make you more comfortable to disrobe.

None of these are bad, and two out of three are really flattering. Just don’t think the guy who went to the trouble and expense of installing these very specific electrical fixtures wants you to get any reading done in his bed.

You might get your eyes or your feelings hurt if that is what you are looking for…

STADIUM SEATING

This is usually your first sure-fire-sign that you are in an AssCastle. When you walk into a living room that can comfortably seat 20 or more – just know you are not the only game in this space. People looking to start a family, don’t have that many people over their house ever.

Large dining room tables that seat 14 or more – means this playa is an entertaina. Not a bad thing in a man, just don’t think he is Mr. Rogers hoping to have a one-on-one dinner with you in a blue cardigan.

And then there is the whole other level – of Multiple Seats in a Bedroom. Which frankly means there has been an audience in here before you. Which might make him a better performer… and hey, everybody enjoys a well-rehearsed show. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking a stellar routine happens overnight.

AN ELEVATOR

Unless your man is rockin’ it out in a wheelchair – any single guy who has an elevator in his house, is hoping it will cause you to drop trou. And don’t think you’re a fool if you do. They can be pretty damn impressive in a home.

Note For the Ladies: If they elevator goes right from a Screening Room or Built-In-Bar directly to his bed – ask for his PAPERWORK. And I don’t mean for his citizenship.

EXCESS MEANS TO WASH GENITALS

Let’s just say I have never been in an AssCastle that didn’t have a bidet.

Most Americans have no idea how to use one (myself included) and most guys use them as a beer cooler. And just because there is no ice in it tonight or bottles sticking out of it, don’t think “he would never.” I ask these things of gents. They all giggle and admit it has housed a beverage or two in it’s time. But this is all beside the real point…

Be Aware: if you see a bidet in a guys house, he is hoping you will use it before or after sex with him.

THE INDOOR POOL

An indoor pool is an oldie but still a goodie. Swimming inside a guy’s house has been an AssCastle feature since the Rat Pack days. It not only says, “I’m rich and decadent” but it also allows women to take off 98% of their clothing and not be cold. It’s just freakin genius no matter how you cut it. So let’s cut to the chase:

Note For the Ladies: do not get in the indoor pool unless you’re ready to go all the way. Too much of your clothing is already off.

Note For the Gentlemen: Have towels. Nothing puts a woman out of the mood like being cold. And if she is a skinny bitch – she is always cold. Have towels right next to that pool or your wasting your money on it.

THE INDOOR BAR

Now I’m not talking a cupboard where some alcohol is stored. I’m talking seating, lucite, a counter top, mod glasses, wall scones, signature drinks, maybe even an ice sculpture or an actual live bartender. This all points to this homeowner plying you with dutch courage. Girls, you can sit at the bar and sip, but drinking games are like foreplay for the emotionally challenged. This is where the line “don’t hate the playa, hate the game”,  was created!

Note For the Ladies: You ARE the tip for the man picking up the tab at this private bar. Decide early how big of a tip you are gonna leave, cause he is at work and it is his job to get you to lose focus.

INDOOR FOLIAGE

This is the DOG'S ROOM!

You gotta have some serious bucks to put a full-on tree in your house. Not just because you had to pay for the tree and a gigantic pot to put it in, but because you also need:

a tall enough ceiling to fit it,

windows big enough to allow enough sun to keep it alive

and for a guy with one of these in his house – probably a designer who thought of it.

Indoor foliage is also, usually, a sign of a man with taste. Ladies, you can be impressed here. Just keep in mind, you may be one of many ornaments that will hang or climb on it.

And Gentlemen: keep that tree alive. An ignored plant makes a woman think that may be her fate after a few weeks in the sun at your house.

GIGANTIC YARD ART

There is some strange obsession that men have with large toys in the yard. Most obvious being cars – that preferably are not up on crates or jacks. Beyond vehicles, we ladies have seen some ridiculous things on the front lawn, backyard, foyer, driveway or outside deck. I think guys find them to be fancy…and sometimes a good showing of how much money they make. But sadly, they often just look like giant shit on the front lawn, backyard, foyer, driveway or outside deck.

General Rule #3: keep the yard sparce. The goal is to get the ladies into the house. Show off in the bedroom not on the grass.

MULTIPLE PLACES TO LAY DOWN

I once did a shoot for Maxim Magazine. Clearly I knew I would be scantily dressed, so when I saw the bikinis I wasn’t surprised. Nor was I taken aback by the Olympic pool larger than the house we were shooting in on the terrace. The king-sized bed next to the pool, did make me feel like I was about to shoot a porn though.

If you find mattresses or pillows or geniously designed chairs to not look like a bed but easily function as one: you are in an AssCastle. And just to reiterate – you are the ass. Don’t act like one.

FULL SIZED COURTS OR FIELDS FOR SPORTS

Speak for themselves. You found yourself a baller.

Bottom line: if the perks of this outweigh the infidelity for you – go for it. Enjoy. Live LARGE. Just don’t EVER kid yourself that he is ever going to be faithful. REMEMBER, Kobe was everybody’s alibi cause he was the good guy who never messed around.

COMING SOON:

A Man Cave
A Closet Bigger Than Rhode Island
Gates To The Liar
Rooms Built To Showcase a TV
Mirrors On The Cieling
Bad Taste Fountains
Unused Kitchens
and so much more…