OUR MISSION: What I Do Here
by Diane Farr
The last home I walked into on a blind date was when I realized I was the Ass.
This last man I left standing (as opposed to laying beside me when I married the next guy I met), invited me and our mutual friend Peter to his country house FIVE HOURS AWAY from where we all lived in NYC. I should have known then what was in store for me.
As Peter pulled our rental car onto a dirt road on an empty plot of land, I really had to pee. Way in the back of this property I could see a large barn. Truth be told, I was so unimpressed with the outside, I was worried if this barn even had heat. But as we bumped along the pot-holed road to this building/home/animal house, I was racing out of our vehicle to get inside it. (For the bathroom.) I darted up two rickety steps and was surprised by some beautiful detail on the woodwork of an over-sized front door. I ran my fingers on it and poof! The door pushed itself open.
I hollared a “hello” into the cavernous space, feeling like Nancy Drew on the verge of a mystery. I then entered, unaccompanied. With my first step mood lighting sprang on. With my second, classical music filled the room. At which point I froze. Not because of the trick electricity but because of Venetian plaster.
My Dad was a general contractor and I have a theatre degree. These two things mean I am well-versed in finished carpentry. For a chic with nice fingernails, I can actually build anything. I also contracted my own home and ran a team of thirty laborers on hiatus from a TV show five years before this date. And the most tricked out thing I did in that house – was Venetian plaster. I hired two different artists to do this on the best wall, with the best lighting, in my showpiece kitchen and neither got it right. It cost me a fortune and the compound still alludes me. And here it was, done PERFECTLY, in a HALLWAY of a single dudes house?!
A guy who has no wife and no kids and yet, at the end of this masterpiece hallway I can see 40 foot ceilings, a dining room table that seats 20, and three fireplace on the ground floor alone! And one, two, three, four, FIVE BEDROOMS overseeing the dance floor in his living room! Done in the best possible taste imaginable. WTF!
The Last Man standing approached me and tried to introduce himself but I had so many questions.
“IS THIS VENETIAN PLASTER IN YOUR FREAKIN HALLWAY?”
yes.
“Do you really have five bedrooms in this barn and seating for what looks like – 50?”
yes.
“And you live here alone?”
yes.
“No kids visit you and no ex-wife screams at pick-up time that she decorated this and you got it in the divorce?”
um, no.
“And you maintain this “second home”, in the middle of nowhere, for the sole purpose… of pulling down ass?”
Last Man Standing just looks at our mutual friend Peter, wondering what he should say to that. Until both of them burst out laughing.
“Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m Diane, and your house is spectacular, but I just realized that this is an AssCastle. And I’m the Ass.”
The laughter continued and finally, all this man had to say to this was:
Welcome.
*****
Hey, it’s cool if you buy, build or decorate a house just to get laid. This is America and this is why people hate us. Get on with your bad self.
But some of the decadence is overdone and some, too “on the nose”. Plus, men and women really don’t share a common language in single life. So I thought I might offer up a little advice, as a married chic who frequented a number of AssCastles in her twenties – on how men should decorate or re-adjust their décor – to the tail they are trying to catch. Cause an informed man is a better man to date. So no judgment from us girls. Just some cues for you
(and a couple of good spirited giggles for us.)
OUR MANTRA HERE:
FOR THE LADIES: don’t playa hate – just know the court you are playing on.
If a man says he is not interested in a relationship LISTEN TO HIM. This is not a challenge to see if you are worth changing his mind. It just means, he is not interested in a relationship.
FOR THE GENTLEMEN: don’t lie like rug – lay the truth down and see who is willing to lay next to it.
You’ll have a better time with a well informed female than a psycho you create by sending her mixed signals.
Now get out there and have some good clean, condom-ed fun.
DF
Please tell me there are more video’s coming???
Laurie B, you only saw the first one bc you live in the inner circle so chill my friend. but yes, there are move coming thank you.
This is Nicole from your awesome blog. Funny video. I would never, never, never date a man whose house is so messy. Momma didn’t raise a fool. My mom would be appalled at his house.
Yo yo yo this is totally true! Diane told me this story after this date! I can’t believe you made a show.
So this is where you dream up this crazy and fantastic ideas? Your crazy and fantastic life. I am happy to be a married lady reading this.
Truth is always funnier than fiction. Particularly your truth it seems
J
Please tell me this isn’t a real persons house?
You are like a Guerilla Warrior in a mini-skirt. American men have no idea what’s coming at them. Go Girl.
Huge fan of yours from Rescue Me Diane. Show was never the same without you but clearly your creativity knows no bounds. This was great
Robin
Ah another show about rich losers. only this one admitts that they are rich losers. I’m watching it!
I am so happy to be past the AssCastle stage of my life.
me too! please let me never have to go back to dating
I often feel jealous listening to single guys talk about their experiences. this whole show just reminded me that i don’t need to go back there.
I frequent an AssCastle every weekend and i love it.
thanks for not judging!!
I am going to do this this weekend. i’m getting the dogs and the cats and the bikinis. I am in
I just watched your asscastle video on funnyordie.com and I almost puked, that guy’s kitchen was disgusting. I’m sorry I don’t understand why a normal, sane woman would step foot into a place that looked like that. If I did I would turn around and run as fast as I could.
But nonethless I still got a good laugh from it. You are a very creative person who always speaks the truth and I can’t wait for the next video.
Tara
Thank you Tara. If someone like me doesn’t visit these boys, nice girls like you will get bladder infetions in their pool. Consider me the motha Theresa of Booty calls. df
Please tell me you are a Republican Senator “ChristX” ?? df
you are the most popular girl at my office today. holy shit this is funny
I’m coming over to your office to give out kisses later today. you’re gonna be very popular. df
Please tell me there are more of these installments coming???
Yes, Mandy, there are more of these coming. thank you for your plea and seeming desperation. df
I think you could do like 5000 of these. Well Done. Really funny and true
Can a girl live in Ass Castle?
This is a good question Craig! Yes, but i have to say, a big house for a single chick kinda c-blocks her. and by c, i mean clitoris.
Yes, Scott S, in the city of Los Angeles, I could do at least 5000 of these… if we throw New York in there maybe 10,000.
OMG! My husband drew the designs for the house we built. While I think its cozy, it is DEFINITELY not a ‘family’ home. Now I see some clear similarities with these AssCastles. I just thought my husband liked being social. I can now see my husband’s life if I weren’t in the picture. Too funny!!
I noticed you’ve only shown pools and a few bathtubs. I KNOW you haven’t forgotten hot tubs. And… I can only imagine what showers are out there.
We have a 5′x5′ glass enclosed shower with a bench seat and multiple shower heads. That’s got to be rather mild, since we are FAR from rich! ;-P
wife of a would b playa – fear not! your man is allowed to be a social boy, especially if you are right there with him. I think your house and your shower sounds fantastic and if i get to make my dream house – I’m doing the same. and I built a dance floor in my own backyard when I was single and my sons 11ft firetruck sits in the middle of it now. no harm done…
I’ve shot two episodes so far and one had a hot tub and one didn’t. There is just so much other game in these places, the HT didn’t get much love. I have no doubt an ostentatious one will pop up soon tho! df
Diane,
Hilarious. You hit the mark. I know lots of guys like this. Please do more of these.