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Mail (will not be published)
Congratulations on your 10th wedding anniversary. WOW! Times really do fly by!
Diane – I grew up in L.A. (La Canada), met my Korean boyfriend (now fiancé) in high school, and now we are planning our wedding 9 years later, encountering many of the same things in your book (and actually were planning a rehearsal dinner Korean ceremony before I even read your book). We found your book after reaching some cultural speed bumps and am so thankful. I love the idea of the clown masks in particular. And I am revisiting my Korean, having been inspired. Thanks so much for writing and hope that we cross paths some time in L.A.!
peter MacNicol is the best. thank you!
just wanted to share 2 Peter MacNicol, ALWAYS be ‘The Dragon Slayer’. & SIGH, sorry to hear about Caitlin Clarke, I didn’t know
I found you first on Numb3rs and fell in love with your character and how she feel for the “nerd” or the “brainiac” ..I knew it was fiction but it still gave us average joe’s a little hope that something like this could be possible..Then after a few failed marriages while serving in the Submarine service I found and feel in love with the Captain of the Cheer Leading squad! She actually chased me,I was blown away but happy to say we have been happy together for 12 yrs..The world is a better place because Diane Farr is in it,,Thanks and best of luck in your future..tw
what a heartwarming note. I hope your announcement at least went as well as you hoped it might. but remember, long term relationships are a marathon and not a sprint. you have to gear up for the long haul. I wish you both happiness and peace. df
Hope all of you are well.
Just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading your book on inter-racial marriage. Am Moroccan girl dating Korean american guy for over two years now, and we are in process of announcing it to our parents, so you can imagine difficulties we are having. While reading you cannot imagine how much i found myself in your words and thoughts, same emotions, and i was so happy with your choice and and ending. Hope ours will be happy ending too (wish us luck). If you visit Korea one day and have time .. let me know there is lot of girls who are on same situation and who will love to meet u .
Thank you and Best Wishes
Just finished Kissing Outside the Lines. Was brought to tears more than once, for happy for sad. Thank you so much for this book It opened my eyes to some difficulties ‘we’ have and I’m American and he’s Swedish, more than cultural differences I must say. . . . go figure. Thank you again. . . . . :.)
Here’s a funny Story:
I am black, my wife (now ex) was white and while my oldest has my sking tone, my son has his mother’s scotch-irish skin color and blonde hair (lol that’s from both of us but that’s another story)
So we raised them to be gourmands and when we were living in harrisburg PA (very conservative) he was 4. Well one day after work ( I was a government supervisor wo i wore a suit and tie) i was taking him into a grocery store and he was upset because he couldn’t have pate. As we walk into the store, which is predominantly white, he is whining loudly about it and every one turns to look
They see a black man with a little blonde white kid, who it complaining about wanting pate…
I could see the “That poor butler” look in their eyes.
Still cracks me up.
It was all I could do not to call my sone Master Charlie…..
Is this book available in India? I have been trying different stores for all of your books, but couldn’t locate them here.
I recently started watching Numb3rs and loved your work! And now getting hooked to this blog!
PS: Please let me know how to get hold of your books! Dying to read ‘em!
I watched Numb3rs and loved it! I really do miss Megan Reeves on the show! I checked your book out, I love it! coming from a daughter of two moms who are both white and I’m from India, I found it really interesting ( and hilarious) I’m young but loved it! (and will continue to love it as re read it many times!)
You are beautiful inside and out! Amazing book. I will keep reading your other books as well!!!
omg you are married! to a Japanese lady! writing you now…
Hope you and your family are well. Just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading your thoughts on inter-racial marriage. After I left Steve and Sian in Qatar I moved to Hong Kong and eventually married a Japanese girl. In Hong Kong there are a large number of Eurasian couples so it is easier than many places, especially for kids, but it was very interesting to compare a little with your experience.
Diane, I would like to thank you for your wonderful book. It truly is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read. It especially resonates with me because I was once in an interracial relationship with a beautiful girl of Irish descent. And being that my name is so similar to your husband’s, I couldn’t help but fantasize about what could have been. She, like you, was a fighter and willing to do anything to overcome the family obstacles and cultural differences (mixed with racism) facing us, but I was too scared to see her get hurt in the process. So I let her go. One of the last things she said to me was that I didn’t love her. I never got over it.
Have you ever considered about including a little bit more than just your articles?
I mean, what you say is valuable and all. But think of if you added some great graphics or video clips to give your posts more,
“pop”! Your content is excellent but with images and video clips, this blog
could definitely be one of the most beneficial in its niche.
Dear Dianne, I saw your book at the library and had to check it out. I have read it three times already and intend to buy it as soon as finances allow (I’m retired and on a fixed income). I love your manifesto about all of us thinking of ourselves as American first. I have a question, though, that I feel you might be able to provide some insight to. I, like most people (I hope), have a crush on an actor. He’s a British actor, although he has received some attention on this side of the pond. I, quite brazenly, signed up for the trial period of IMDB Pro, got his agency contact information and asked him if he would go to the August 30 performance of Dead Can Dance at the Beacon Theatre in NYC. Got no response whatsoever. Not even a British “Ba-ha-ha-…”. So I’m wondering if this was due to A) Them never seeing the email B) seeing it and not caring because I am a relative nobody or C) one of those anti-American sentiments that the entire world seems to harbor (as mentioned on p. 172, when you were dating the English bloke). I realize that many others have many more problems much more serious than me and this questions may come of as rather whiny, but any insight you could provide would be most helpful. I started watching Numb3ers after James Marsters appearance in the 5th season, but I now have the whole collection on DVD . Your presence was missed in the 5th and 6th season and it’s a shame you couldn’t come back for the final episode. Anyway, keep writing, because I love what I’m reading so far.
Charlotte in the Bronx
thank you CM, keep fighting for love!
I”ve been watching Numbers on Netflix from the beginning, looked you up because I love your acting. I just found out about your book here and can’t wait to read it. My experience 39 years ago was as a protestant girl in love with a Catholic boy. Not quite as severe as a racial difference, but hurt nonetheless. I was born in the south but raised in the midwest. My Baptist father never forgave me and I got a pretty cold shoulder from his Catholic mother, though her parents were suppprtive of us. We’ve lasted this long, not without a few bumps in the road, because he is the most moral, caring and rational man I’ve ever met and I decided long ago that his religion had a great deal to do with how he turned out as a man. Our children were impacted by my rejection of all religion because of my father’s fanatacism. My daughter came home from 4th grade crying because another little girl told her she was going to hell because she wasn’t a Christian. I have been conscious of all the insidious forms of prejudice, racial, religious, sexual, socioeconomic and have done what I could to get people to realize we all are on this world together and should act like it. You have a beautiful family. Please continue to speak out, your humor will be the wedge that brings down the prejudice tree.
Hello Mr. and Mrs. Michigan. thanks for your note and placing together my entire career when you saw my name all the questions you ask are answered in LONG, FUNNY detail in the book. You two will definately enjoy it. I promise. df
Hello Ms. Farr –
Juliet and I are a married interracial couple in Michigan. Juliet is half English, the other half French and Irish. I’m what you call an “ABC” Chinese. Born in Taiwan, but emigrated to the U.S. when I was 8 years old. Lived in a country called Papua New Guinea before that.
We have three bi-racial kids. William is 9. Xander is 5. And little Aria, our baby daughter, is almost 2. William and Xander are autistic.
Your book and life have really caught our interest. I remember a long time ago when I saw you on the show “Loveline”. Just recently, when I was cruising through the internet news and read your article about Jeremy Lin (I have a “man crush” on that guy), it took me a while for me to notice the author’s name and put 2-and-2 together. After some Google searching, I discovered you had married an Asian-American man. This was phenomenal. Juliet and I don’t see a lot of couples with our “racial combination” that much here, so when we find similar couples, it’s pleasantly surprising.
We have a lot of questions, but you must be a busy person, and at the risk of imposing on you, we just wanted to ask three of them:
1- What is your favorite Korean dish? Juliet and I love Korean food. My favorite is Yuk Gaejung (the spicy beef soup). My kids love Bul Go Gi.
2- More serious question. When your engagement became public, did you get comments of disapproval? I don’t mean family. Friends, fans, people you don’t know? The reason I asked is because when my wife was engaged to me, some friends made comments to her that suggested they assumed she was “marrying down”, and that I as an Asian man was not “worthy” of her love.
3- My wife often experiences the problem of the “Asian mother in law”. They get along, but there’s always tension. My wife yearns for acceptance from my mother. She learns and speaks Chinese, tries to follow the culture, to impress my family. My mother, on the other hand, is a senior citizen and sometimes treats my wife as the “white girl” who is stealing her son away. Does that make sense? I don’t know if you had similar experiences.
It’s terrific that you found so much meaning in your experiences and channeled the challenges in your life toward creating new things, such as your book. Best wishes to you and your family.
-Dave and Juliet
you are kind of making me rethink my comment. I am coming to believe I made a generalization. Actually, I think I was aware I was making a generalization, you are just making me aware of how insulting it could be to those that don’t fit under the generalization. Thank you for your openness, and for sharing your experience and for loving the book despite the insulting comment. I really appreciate you writing. Diane
In response to your response I just want to say for the record:
I am a devout Mormon. I am a lifelong and very active member. I love and engage with members of all other faiths. I love spending time with others of differing opinions than mine. I love to learn about others and teach my children about other faiths. Each Christmas we review how other belief systems celebrate and participate in many of their traditions to make our holiday one of learning and acceptance. I have very close friends who are catholic, atheist, jewish, etc.
I feel that the word “devout” can be used to describe my commitment to my faith, but does not necessarily mean that those who have chosen a religion for themselves also choose to exclude learnings, teaching and principles of other faiths.
I have recommended your book to many friends and did truly enjoy it.
I am a 22-year-old Australian girl and I have been going out with my Vietnamese-Australian boyfriend for a year now.
I have to admit, when I first met J, I didn’t even notice that he was Asian. I fell in love with him because he was kind, and gentle, and generous and he made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet.
But I can’t shake that feeling that I’ll never be good enough for his family – because I’m not the Vietnamese girl they envisioned their son to be with.
Your book has legitimised my feelings of exclusion, and of worry, and of judgement. It has made me realise that my relationship is just that – my own. They way you comment on how society says that we deserve the same education, and real estate, and friendship, but not love, opened my eyes to a whole new level of understanding.
We may have an ocean that separates us, and 15 years of experience, but I feel that I can relate your story better than anybody else I have ever come across.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know.
I am currently reading KOTL and am amazed at how much it has moved me. I’ve never been one to highlight passages in books, but with yours I can’t seem to stop! There’s so much I want to share with my husband, family and friends.
I am white and my husband is Korean (born in America and has never even visited Korea). His parents and sister were not accepting of our relationship. My parents, sisters and grandparents (including the grandfather who fought in the Korean War) welcomed him with open arms.
We now have 2 beautiful children (3 and 5) and have started fielding questions about my husbands family. Our children understand that they are half Korean and half Caucasian. My daughter (3) said to me at one point that she loves daddy more because she is dark like him and her brother probably loves me more because he is light like me. I used this as a starting point for discussions of how we love everyone regardless of how they look. However, I realized that she has little reference for this in regards to her father’s family who has never set eyes on her and don’t seem to want to. It breaks my heart for my husband to have to deal with this distance for himself, but now we are trying to figure out how to explain it to our children without “coloring” their feelings towards one half of their culture. I look forward to your next book and hope that it will look at these issues and how people overcome them.
Thank you for putting your family and your relationship out there for the rest of us. It does make one feel less alone in it all.
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this book! My boyfriend is a Cambodian refugee and I am an East Coast raised white mutt. Unfortunately, Western society hasn’t always been kind to Asian males (even Jeremy Lin isn’t immune!) and we have seen the dirty looks from strangers. However, we have surrounded ourselves with awesome friends, and the majority of our family members are happy as long as we’re happy (the small minority live on the other side of the country, so thankfully that’s not too big of a deal). After reading what some of the couples you talked to have been through, I am even more grateful, if that was even possible, for the tolerance and love that people around us have shown.
I read this two weeks before meeting my boyfriend’s parents at a Cambodian wedding reception, and once I started reading about you learning about Korean culture, I realized I had some major work to do. I am relatively sure I drove my boyfriend absolutely crazy with my never-ending questions, which ranged from “How do I greet them? Do I do the head bow and say hello in Cambodian, or will they think I’m crazy?” to “Are they going to expect me to do something that I don’t know about yet?” to the inevitable “What am I supposed to wear?!” Anything that my boyfriend didn’t know was answered by his aunt, who is married to a French man and knows all too well what it’s like to be in an interracial marriage in this country. I am happy to report that the wedding reception was a blast and on the last day that his family was here, his dad told me that there are many nationalities in his family and he would be happy to have me as a daughter-in-law. If I hadn’t read the book and asked so many questions, I don’t know if the outcome would have been the same.
Also, I read the majority of the book in one sitting while eating wasabi peas. My wasabi tolerance is now through the roof, which is awesome, because I had a cold while my boyfriend’s family was here and his dad’s cure for a stuffy nose is…wasabi. Haha.
Again, thank you so much, and I can’t wait for your next book!
Ah Marissa, these notes make the years of sitting in a dark room and pouring all my worst fears into a computer totally worth it. Thank you for reading my book and sharing your experience here. I wish you peace on your journey with The Giant Chinese Guy With The Black Guy’s Name. (he sounds super interesting already)
ah, this email literally made my day. Not all of the content, mind you, but that you wrote it. That you found comfort in my work. I also commend you for fighting for love, even when no love was displayed towards you from people that never bothered to get to know you. And I will share with you that family can be chosen, and often, for the betterment of young kids. The women I called my Aunts who were “just” my parents friends, are still a bigger influence on me today than most of the aunts that were present solely due to dna.
Much love to all of your lucky family.
I don’t know where to start other than to thank you for sharing your story and writing such a funny, endearing and poignant book about your experiences. There isn’t another book about interracial relationships (at least to my knowledge) that provides such a moving first-hand account about all of the emotions involved when you choose an interracial marriage.
I ordered Kissing Outside the Lines from Amazon last July. I was in tears by page 27. Not so much because your story had brought me there (yet) but because it brought to the surface all of my feelings about my own relationship that I suppress on a daily basis. I am not one to write ‘fan’ letters to actors or authors but I immediately thought, “I need to tell her how much her book affected me.”
Then life happened, your book got put to the side (unfinished) and no letter was written. It wasn’t until today, six months later, that I was finally able to finish the book. All over again, I had tears in my eyes and once again insisted to myself that I needed to write.
One thing I learned from your book is that although my experience is my own, it is not unique. Somehow that provides me with a certain sense of belonging AND anger that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt or acknowledged before.
My husband and I met our first day of college. We were five months into our relationship before he was able to admit to me, what Seung admitted to you fairly early in your relationship, that his parents were going to have an issue with it. We persevered through the next seven months, but ultimately broke up because the intense pressure from his family was too much. It took seven years apart for him to realize that he had the courage and strength to stand-up to his family and accept what he knew would be the inevitable outcome of his decision to be with me.
Not a positive word has been said between my husband and his parents since were engaged ten years ago; and in fact not a word has been spoken between them since our wedding day eight years ago. Neither his parents nor his extended family came to our wedding, and no attempt to contact one another has been made on either side since.
We now have a funny, smart and beautiful 2 ½ -year-old daughter whom they have never met. Whereas I used to encourage my husband to reach out to his family, I am now thankful for the estrangement. As a mother I want to protect her from the harsh realities of the world as long as I can; and I find it difficult to believe that given the way they feel about me, they could feel any differently about her.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and best wishes to you and your (gorgeous!) family.
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