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It’s harder to get in to see my dentist than it is for me to get a new TV show on the air.  Which may be why I failed to notice six months ago, that I scheduled myself, and all my kids for an appointment just five days after Halloween.  When my children’s teeth are buried in chocolate, gummy bears, sucking candies and lollipops  – that are sometimes also filled with gum.

And when I say my children’s teeth, I mean mine.

Frankly going to the dentist anytime between November first and January 15th is like checking your cholesterol level the week after hosting an egg hunt – when everyone leaves you the eggs and only takes the prizes.  Or like a Boston Red Sox fan getting a facial this week after not shaving for a month.  (I know, I know, very few Bostonians shave directly after the series ends to milk the win as long as possible.  And that exactly none of them get facials.)  But the point is, it’s corn syrup season in America from October 31st until the end of the year and no dental appointments should be made until  mid-February.

But five days after Halloween is prime tooth decay time in our house.  It is actually the pinnacle of sugary consumption because in an effort to stave off the digestion of completely useless non-food products collected on October 31st, I only allow my kids to chose one candy per day from the gluttonous grab bag they cherish like mana from heaven.

This means that the only time Mom and Dad can steal from that Halloween bag with confidence is this first week after Halloween – when a)  the candy stock is so plentiful they won’t realize it’s being pillaged nightly after their bedtime and b) Mom still has six weeks to work off 3-5 chocolates a day before getting in a New Year’s dress.

No less, by day three of soberly eating one piece of candy per day, my kids have their own racket.  They are no doubt sneaking into the kitchen cabinet at least twice a day, hoarding a fist full of candy – that they are sure I won’t notice went missing – and stashing it somewhere only they and the ants they are luring into their bedroom will enjoy it.

So a dental appointment five days after Halloween is a shame marathon for me and everyone I love.   But what’s the alternative?

Living with the decay forever and having to buy new teeth for a whole family?  I’m nearing the end of my pearly whites natural life anyway.  Skipping the annual cleaning just to hide my self-destructive behavior will surely throw me into veneers.   Plus, cancelling the kids’ appointment because we have done something very unhealthy/wrong/detrimental teaches my children to hide from their problems and perhaps never leave home, and never get a job, and then force me to support them forever – including buying them their own veneers at an even earlier age.

On second thought, will be going to the dentist, holes in our teeth or not.  And we will get in that chair and humbly confess our sins and take the tongue and tooth lashing.

But maybe I will also bring the remaining oral contraband (aka candy) with me – and see if offering it with the dentist himself … might tempt him over to the dark side.  Where binge eating unhealthy food and sucking on hard candies for 45 minutes is the norm.  Because that is how drug problems (aka sugar addictions) start right?  Someone gives you your first bag for free, and then hooks you for life…

Now there’s a plan.  Because if I can turn out the d.d.s. into a mood-swinging, teeth rotting, future insulin needing sugar junkie too, perhaps I can pay off my whole families fake teeth needs by systematically dropping Kisses wrapped in silver foil on him.

Seems we will be keeping the dental appointment after all.



  1. Camilla:-) on Monday 16, 2013

    Thank you for reminding me that I have to go to the dentist – soon;-) Good luck – hope you have no holes in your teeth!

  2. Diane Farr on Monday 16, 2013

    my dentist is a very forgiving man. I will have to send this article to him.

  3. Tyson C on Monday 16, 2013

    I saw on twitter that you also gave some of your halloween candy away to military personal. I am going to do that next year with my kids.

  4. Laurie on Monday 16, 2013

    I hate halloween. the candy never ends and they expect to get a giant bag full now. Even if I don’t there friends kids all have a giant bag of candy and then mine are disappointed. I want to just skip it next year.

  5. Frank P on Monday 16, 2013

    I remember you as a kid going as a witch Diane Farr!!
    hope you are great.

  6. ida on Monday 16, 2013

    This is so true. I swear my kids are exhausted in December from the non-stop candy they are eating.

  7. Bill Rice on Monday 16, 2013

    I would imagine you don’t eat any candy because you are very petite. I bet that makes it harder for you to see your kids eat it. But health is most important.

  8. Kerry C on Monday 16, 2013

    Whassup Dookie

  9. Kerry C on Monday 16, 2013

    I can’t believe you were on two and a half men and didn’t tell your peeps. You were great. Hope to see you soon.

  10. Diane Farr on Monday 16, 2013

    I eat the candy Bill, much to my chagrin, but I really do! df

  11. Diane Farr on Monday 16, 2013

    I couldn’t agree more Ida. It’s a hellish month of whining and exhaustion for kids. and their parents. df

  12. Diane Farr on Monday 16, 2013

    Hi Frank, hi Kerry,
    thanks for stopping by!!

  13. Diane Farr on Monday 16, 2013

    Girl, you are hitting the nail on the head. I can’t figure out how to avoid it yet.

  14. Diane Farr on Monday 16, 2013

    Yes, giving away as much candy as possible is my goal. Last year we sent it to people in NY who couldn’t trick or treat because of Hurricane Sandy. This year the military. Next year I will be shooting to give half away… df