Right up until you read these comments. Because since they are made anonymously, blogging has become a vehicle for all those devoid of social skills – probably because they have no friends to discuss their opinion of art, law or blue jeans with – to say torturous things that are generally reserved for people fighting in armed combat.
“I hope the actress Diane Farr dies” was the note I got from one keen follower of Grey’s Anatomy because she didn’t like my story line in a particular episode.
I, too, yearn for a little eye-for-an-eye retaliation when I feel truly incensed by something. But leaving my children motherless because Meredith didn’t get enough screen time with Derek might be a little much, no?
Spreading hatred can’t really be justified simply because you can say it in 150 characters or less. Like the commentator on the blog for my newest book – who admits he never read my book – but still took the time to write, “It’s clear your husband married you because as a white woman you are a status symbol for him and he needs this.”
Of course it would be fun to write back about what gross disfigurement I imagine this person suffers from – that left him home with nothing to do but read psychology books that have made him an expert in me, my husband and our marriage, sight unseen. But I’m lucky enough to have girlfriends for that ugly conversation. Which quenched my need to publish my own hurt feelings, dressed as hate and anger toward someone I’ve never met, that would live forever over the world wide web.
Maybe this seems prudish, following the golden rule at home alone with only my computer to know otherwise. But have we not learned from the murderous teenage cyber-bullies and the overexposed and now unemployable members of congress that the Internet is not a place to post your most private thoughts? Because blogs are not diaries! Other people read them – making them public records.
Plus, if you really have an insatiable need to broadcast your most unkind, and often baseless thoughts, you don’t have to hide behind a fake name on someone else’s website. You can head right over to Seaside Heights, New Jersey and hook up with Snooki or the Situation – and be brave enough to show your face while you behave inappropriately and let reality TV show just how dangerous an unedited platform can really be.
Like the creator of www.Thepsychoexwife.com who was recently ordered to take down his slanderous website in family court, when a judge had to tell him that posting every negative detail of his divorce and custody battle might be a bad thing for his children. Dad swore he never identified his wife by name on his blog, but then appeared in person on the Today show to explain why he was going back to court to appeal his right to talk trash about the woman he once vowed to honor.
Sadly, the first amendment may just allow this “father of the year” to further destroy his family – leaving me to wonder if it’s time to step out that section of the bill of rights detailing the exceptions like “defamation” and “using fighting words” that oh so many web-users seem to forget when they quote their man-made right to hurt others.
Thankfully, my kids are too young to read ghost-blogger comments although someday they, too, may be the victim of ignorant posits made behind the anonymity of an avatar. But I will surely teach them to only say things in print they would be man or woman enough to say to another person’s face, because humanity is the thing “civil rights” were created to protect. Not the legal right to behave like a jackass.
I am not surprised that you get nasty comments. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned people being devoid of social skills. As technology has progressed, peoples social skills have deteriorated. People who are socially retarded have few outlets for socializing so they spend more time on the internet, taking their frustration with their miserable lives out on others. There are probably many more people who respect your work than there are who dislike your work. And, the ones who dislike your work only do so for selfish and inane reasons, such as Meredith not getting enough time with Derek. It is unfortunate that there are social retards who will actually put into writing that they hate someone that they have never met, but it will probably never change. It is also unfortunate that the people who have social skills, social lives, and can think critically have less time to comment. As someone who is a big fan of your writing, I can say that all of my girlfriends are fans of your work, and we always talk about your columns. We are generally not tv watchers, and while co-workers talk about what happened on whatever singing for humiliation show they watch, we are talking about books, politics, and your column. So, I am guessing that you have many more intelligent fans who don’t comment because they are busy living their lives. As for the ones who say nasty things – screw ‘em…..there is really something wrong with someone who spends their time writing about something they don’t like…
I think you were very upset. But there are more people that like you than people don’t like you, I bet. So calm down, Diane.
P.S.Sorry for my bad English.
I think you were very upset. But there are the people who like you than the people who don’t like you, I bet. So I hope you to CALM DOWN!!! The person who writes ‘I hope the actress Diane Farr dies’ must have no idea what he/she’s doing. (Did I go too far with these words?)
P.S. I’m Korean, so my English is not that good;;lol
That commentator that made the comment: “It’s clear your husband married you because as a white woman you are a status symbol for him and he needs this. ” That’s rude and disgusting. The nerve of that person. Girl, you have thick skin!
Well said, Diane. The lack of ‘netiquette’ is I think an extension of the general demise of good manners and self-control in society as a whole (a prime example are the riots over here in the UK recently. People of ‘previously good character’ decided to sidestep their monthly credit card bills for a quick ‘free’ retail therapy fix. Shows they have real class – the main shops that got ransacked were JD Sports outlets and even a Krispy Kreme shop (I kid you not). Yay for kicks and doughnuts! Quality looting, people, real quality…) Anyhoo, I digress. I’ve watched things slide down into bitchy web wars between posters particularly on forums like IMDb (to the extent that I have now stopped posting there almost entirely) and across other forums too. Like you said, it’s not like a diary entry – it’s out there for everyone to read and it can and WILL come back and bite you on the bum one day. I adhere to the rule of ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ and if you do get into a flaming war with someone the best thing is to step away and remember that it is in effect two people (usually on opposite sides of the world) typing furiously, snarling through gritted teeth, “I’ll show ‘em!” and inevitably making complete pillocks of themselves. It ain’t big, it ain’t clever and it’s a complete waste of time and life. Platforms like FaceBook, Twitter and MySpace have turned many people into serial posters who think that every tiny thought that goes through their brains needs to be shared with the world, and bugger the consequences. In the UK, the fact that two people got sent to prison for 4 years for incitement to riot messages on FB has hopefully made people stop and think that yes, there CAN be consequences for that split second decision to post an inane or even inflammatory comment. Maybe that’s a good thing. The internet is un-policeable (is that even a word?). Perhaps it’s time we started policing ourselves a bit more rigorously.
Thanks everyone for the comments so far today! I was afraid of this column because I feel like there truly is a new moral code that should be looked at, taught and sort of defined when it comes to on-line commenting, but didn’t want it to seem I was just venting about my own feelings. Because even when a blogger took a swipe at my marriage, there were ten bloggers on my site who were more outraged than I was by it!! (which, don’t think i didn’t love…but I digress.) And as an actress, you ask for some of this – because that job has so much of a public platform. the main point is that there is no commonly acceptable etiquette. and I think we could use one. Thanks for all of the feedback here, as always. DF
I have to be the lazy rooster here and nod my head at Kes’s comments. We have definitely lost a sense of manners and decorum in society and we seem to collectively have no shyness about displaying this. As far as inane comments I try to keep mine on the humorous side as I would rather have people laugh or at least smile than get angry. I doubt i will ever write a blog as I don’t know that I have enough to say that hasn’t been said in a better fashion by people more learned than I am. Thanks for sharing the things you do with the intelligence, humor and grace that you display. Take care.
Dan
Mean people suck, no matter the forum. The sometimes-good/oft-times bad anonymity of the internet seems to provide an outlet for the worst in some people. I guess anytime anyone posts something in the public view, they can and should expect some others to disagree with their point of view, or even word choice, but instead, the more malignant in the internet universe consciously choose to attack the PERSON who wrote whatever, and that’s just not only wrong, but cowardly since I’d at least hope these misanthropes would have the decency to “act better” in person. I’ll never understand why anyone would choose to tear down or destroy instead of constructing or helping. It just makes no sense to me.
And, I disagree: just because you’ve chosen a public career rather than a private career does not mean that you’ve “asked for this”. I firmly believe that private lives should remain private no matter our career choice. I believe that we aught to be able to control what personal content becomes public no matter our visibility.
Of course, that could just be because my mama raised me to have some manners, lol.
*PS: I feel really, really sorry for ANYONE who cannot see the obvious distinction between a part you play and the actor/actress who plays said part. That’s just pitiful…and kinda scary…
you do always keep your comments light and funny dan mackey. good on you.
interesting points wolfsdawn…
Hi Diane …
I used to watch Numb3rs every Friday night and after recently losing my job of 6 years have discovered it again in the form of reruns. For whatever reason one day while watching you on an episode I decided to look you up online to see other shows you have acted in and have since watched all the Rescue Me episodes and the Grey’s Anatomy, White Collar and Desperate Housewives episodes you were in. You were awesome in all of them, but the DH and White Collar episodes … all I can say is WOW!! You are very versatile and talented!!
I also discovered your webpage here and spent time reading everything that you have written. Because well … unfortunately I’ve got lots of time on my hands … Let me tell you … In the past 4 months of unemployment and the day to day struggles/extreme stress of searching for a new job/career and where is my next meal and rent money going to come from … I haven’t laughed this hard in so long … To the point of tears coming out my eyes … Very therapeutic!! All of it has given me motivation once again to keep going … THANK YOU!!
I have to say you are an amazing actress and writer … And from what I can tell in your writing you are an amazing wife and mother. You have an absolutely beautiful family!
While I am not in a mixed cultural relationship, I am single. I ordered both Girl Code and KOTL on my Nook today because well we can all be more educated on these issues and I know by reading all your articles both are going to be awesome reading and worth the time. Looking forward to seeing more from you on both the TV and in writing! Keep it coming … You’ve certainly inspired me!
SH