Amtrak pulled over one of its trains this week to allow the police on board to remove and arrest a “loud cell phone talker” – charging the woman with disorderly conduct.  This particular cellular-sloth had been on her handheld non-stop, over a sixteen-hour journey from Oakland, California to Salem, Oregon – in the “Quiet Car.”

The Quiet Car would be the train car with large signs saying “No Cell Phones Allowed” but it seems that this chatty passenger had such a sense of self that she believed these signs did not apply to her. She also felt entitled to become belligerent when the “Lord of the Flies” effect took over and another passenger playing the part of Piggy confronted her about her volume.  Not at all tired post her multi-hour talking spree, this big mouth still had enough energy to become aggressive with the other passengers, which is when the train was stopped and the police were called in.

Well hip-hip hooray for the cavalry! And while you are at it boys in blue – here’s a list of places where other perpetrators of this crime hang out: Starbucks, the doctor’s office and my kid’s preschool.

Hello – you socially clueless people – Starbucks is not your personal office.  A virtual office means you have to act like you could possibly function in an actual office.  That includes not annoying every person around you.  And for those who have somehow forgotten that the doctor’s office is not only a place for check-ups – it’s also frequented by people in pain.  People who felt sick before hearing about you tripping the light fandango in the parking lot of a mall last night. Give them some peace. And hey momma’s picking up your kids – pay attention to them! Cause while you are yelling at Dad on the phone, your kid is all over mine.

And for any mobile user who feigns ignorance of what volume is acceptable for public phone usage – see the following rules: (that should be tattooed onto the back of your charger for review every time you plug in.)

1. Newcomers: No one wants to OVERHEAR where you got your phone, how long that process took or what about the phone is not functioning well now. All the rest of America has had both those experiences and we all have crap service too.  So even if you want to bore the person on the other end of your new phone to death, spare those of us in your sightline and whisper this.
2. For The Perpetually Loud Talkers: Even if you are hard of hearing (or more likely just dim-witted) it does not mean the person you are speaking to is.  Stop shouting into the phone.  All those people staring at you are not an audience.  We are not captivated by your tale.  We hate you.  And your cue that you are being too loud – is the look on all of our faces.
3. In fact – For Any Pedestrian, Anywhere: a person giving you a dirty look while you are on a cell phone does not have you confused with someone else.  They are a telepathically trying to tell you, “You are a loud talker and you suck.”  If you don’t start understanding these looks soon, and taking down your volume, your physical well-being could be in jeopardy.
4. And Hey Guys: Phone time does not equal grooming time. Loud talking combined with picking your fingernails, digging around inside your pants or combing over your Donald Trump hair may soon become grounds for justifiable homicide.  Go to the bathroom if you have to adjust yourself in anyway.
5. And Ladies: It’s bad enough to pick your nose when you are driving your car because you somehow think the car makes you invisible—but you are no less invisible when talking on the phone and barely DRIVING AT ALL. If you can’t walk and chew gum simultaneously, then you definitely can’t push the gas pedal and talk on a cell phone. Put your phone in the trunk like Oprah says!

And I’m hanging up on you now.

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