“Yes” is the answer I find myself repeating over and over while having lunch at the mall with my daughters. Sadly, I’m not saying it to them though. I’m giving the affirmative to the slew of strangers approaching us that I have no interest in talking to.
My daughters are twins. They are two years old and cute and smart and everything else every mother thinks about their little ones, but that’s not why they get so much attention. Strangers want to talk to them simply because they are twins.
And really, these intrigued and totally uninvited guests to my family’s lunch table don’t want to talk to my daughters at all. They want to stare at them mercilessly while asking incredibly invasive questions of me. Which usually begins with a shriek, gasp or whisper that is followed up with, “Oh my God. Look at them! Are they twins?”
This opening query might seem innocuous. But any momma of multiples will tell you that she’s heard this question ten times today if it’s already lunchtime. And more to the point, all of our kids have the same look of fear on their identical or fraternal faces when they hear a total stranger scream at the sight of them, only to be further terrified when said stranger steps right up to examine them.
“Are they identical?” is usually asked next at this tableside interview. Which is a question I really don’t want to answer. Because no good can come of it. Regardless if I do or don’t though, the doosey almost always follows:
“Did you have them naturally?”
Hmm. As opposed to demonically?
Let’s think about what you are really asking a complete stranger, who is currently eating – with her children. “Did I have them…” meaning did I conceive them… or did I get pregnant with…the use of a penis? Is that really an appropriate question? At my family’s lunch table? For you and I, unnamed stranger?
I like to save conversations about my run-ins with a penis until it’s dark out. And if I’m having that conversation, I’m not eating pureed sweet potatoes or drinking water. I’m having an adult beverage, with an adult of my choosing.
But for the record, what if my children were not conceived with the strict use of male and female body parts touching at the same time? What if Daddy’s sperm, a doctor and a syringe of some sort were all involved? Will you breath easier knowing that my fate will not be yours—without a ton of time and money put into it? Or will you start rummaging through my kids hair for evidence that they are somehow not real people?
Twins are incredibly common now. It is no longer on par with a polar bear citing in Central Park. So when you see your first set, or your second or your 100th, please refrain from asking their parents if they had sex in order to make them. And please, also, try not to treat the human beings who happened to be in the same womb at the same time, like animals at the zoo, either.
“Well I can tell them apart because this one has a rounder face, right?”
Yes, just like how your ass is much rounder than mine.
Be aware that deafness is not any more common in twins than it is to the rest of the population. Both of my daughters can hear you when you look into both their eyes and judge which one as prettier, thinner, smarter or nicer. The comment is not doing either one of them any good and, really, we don’t care who you prefer.
But the biggest insult may be to other children sitting at the table with twins – like my son who is usually right next to his sisters! And although he is only one year older, and just as cute and smart as the girls – and actually wants to talk to all of his sisters’ fans – he is completely ignored in this reoccurring interrogation.
So please admire multiples from afar, to prevent getting yourself in double trouble.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Thanks for the jerk alert! Very good to know the other side…Yikes!
I understand what you’re saying. You’re one protective mama!
I understand and agree with you.
ya know, I had two sets of twins, a few years apart, and I had this experience every day. People freak out even more at the sight of two sets of twins than they do with one. When I had my first set of twins, it was awful, but when I had the second it was even worse. I worked part time after I had my kids, so I had part time nannies, and I seriously had four of them quit over this issue. They could deal with the kids just fine, but the strangers that would accost them on every trip out of the house got to be too much. It is amazing the stupid shit that complete strangers will ask or say. And it’s not like you can tell them to F. off, because you are trying to be a good influence on your children, unlike the people who view your children as a zoo exhibit. I think the weirdest encounter I had was a woman who said that my kids reminded her so much of the Diane Arbus twins photo. Okay, I am familiar with Arbus’ work, and am a big fan of it, but do not tell me that my kids look like the scary-creepy twins from the Diane Arbus photo.
I know I said your next book should be a sarcastic parenting book, but I take that back….I think you should write a book about the experience of being parents of twins.
omg – vgnewsom – I can’t even imagine two sets of twins!!! omg. that would feel on par with brad pitt trolling the mall. everyone would just “have” to talk to you…
thanks for the perspective
ah yes, christine. I feel badly to write out all the rage, because clearly it is well-intentioned, although unedited, most of the time. But I hit a breaking point recently when someone I know well told one of my daughters she was the pretty one right in front of the other. (right in front of her IDENTICAL twins sister.) xo df
That was so rude. The nerve of that person. Both of your twins are beautiful and Beckett is cute.
I just read your article in today’s paper and had to write.As the mother of identical twins now 43(and a son two years to the day older)as well as two sets of grandchildren twins I can really relate to your tale of woe. My daughters say they are going to write a book called Dumb Questions People Ask Twins. Our son felt the same way your son felt.Now that he also has twins he can relate to what I was dealing with at the time.My favorite story is the lady who asked our girls Which one of you is older? and my daughter replied we are the same age and she continued to argue with a three year old that one has to be older.Obviously, we hadn’t had that talk yet! I am sending the article on to my girls because I know they will enjoy it.Thanks for the memories.
How do you handle such rudeness? I’m always shocked at people’s thoughtless comments and questions, never knowing quite what to say. Do your girls choose to dress alike and have the same hair style in public? Maybe you could go on Oprah and get the word out how damaging this is for multiples and their siblings. No one cared about my son after his super cutsey sister was born. He might as well have turned invisible. All people noticed was her curly hair and doll like face, instantly drawn to her like a magnet. It got downright scary at times. Are there special play groups for multiples and siblings of multiples? This can’t be fun for them to always feel like they’re in the spotlight or out of the spotlight.
Great post, which I plan to share with my other twin parent friends. I have 3.5 year old boy/girl twins. My boy is 2-3 inches taller than my girl. It’s rare that I hear “are they twins” anymore. That is OK with me.
I offended someone early on after having my twins. I was shopping at Kohls, they were in the stroller, behaving. I was not, as stores are not double stroller friendly AT ALL! One older woman, 60-ish, asked if I had help. Not sure what she meant by help, but I responded “my husband”. I just realized she may have been asking if I had help to conceive or help at home. I just assumed she wanted to know if I had help at home…but if she wanted to know if I had help conceiving, no wonder she seemed offended. Oops, but maybe it will stop her from her rude comments!
I think they ignore “B” because he was born demonically
Wow, after reading this article it only solidifies what I’ve always said some people truly have no tact.
Ok, I LOVED this!!! We also have two sets of twins, 2 1/2 years apart, and I can’t go anywhere without being starred at, watched, followed, and questioned! The question that drives me most crazy is if it was natural or if we used medication. None of your business. We did do IVF but I am not going to have a conversation about our personal struggles with a stranger. Second dumb thing I hear is “oh you poor lady!” I HATE that one! I actually wanted my children and yes some days are hard but I wouldn’t trade them for anything! Gets old but we deal with it because it is our life and it is a good one.
Now that they are 6 that situation does not happen as much, but I remember coming home from the mall one time when they were babies, just appalled and pissed off at the unthinking general public. My favorite was when people asked if my boy/girl twins were identical. hmm. really? Did you just ask that question? I finally had the balls to reply, “At their last diaper change I am fairly certain they are not.” Just to point out the asker’s stupidity. 1/2 the time it went over their heads. go figure.
OH and just remembered another time (mall again -think I went there ALOT), someone at Williams-Sonoma actually told me they were sorry for me. That time I did say something like “Really?? I am the luckiest person on earth because In Vitro worked for me.” and walked away shaking with rage. Wow. 5 + years later and I am getting myself ticked off over it again!
Anyway – loved the article – especially “much like you arse is way rounder than mine.”
I haven not even finished the article yet and I just have to say, Are these people f’n serious…?
I would handle it worse than you.
Maybe stick a phone earpiece or a bluetooth in one ear, while your out having lunch with them – if anyone say’s ANYTHING, just point at your blue tooth and say, ” sorry I’m on the phone”
(immediately go into phone acting until they leave)
Invasive f’s
ah my twin mothers, it’s so good to know you are not alone. I did not do invitro and sometimes when I am asked “the natural” question I just respond that my twins are identical – because most people don’t realize that means it occurred without ivf. But usually I do say, “How did you conceive your children?” and only once I said, “I’m gonna finish lunch with my kids if you don’t mind.” But I wish i said it more!!!
oh thank you Barbara. I hope your daughters right the book. I could do a tremendous rant for their introduction…
Vicki, the biggest problem with people’s rude questions of twins is that they honestly think they are paying you a compliment with their interest. so it’s very hard to shut them down. I imagine it like brad pitt trying to get a starbucks and when the 10th person in line malls him and he goes off – that person just has a broken heart wondering why brad is such an ass. so, back to me as the twin mom, you have to either get rid of them fast, or waste more of your family time explaining why these questions are innapproriate and hurtful.
oh and someone asked about twin groups – and yes! my kids started twin only play groups at 2 months old and did them right up until school started. so there was one place where they did not get any extra attention for being twins. and those moms saved me from sticking my head in the pillow and never coming up for air again during the hardest parts of the exhaustion and hormonal hell. I’ve really had great experiences with my twim moms
Diane, you might get this question alot, but how you tell Sawyer and Coco apart since they are identical twins?
when you are with your identicals every day, they really don’t look alike. And not just to me. Nanny’s, babysitters, some of the teachers too. I was worried I’d be the only mom who couldn’t tell her own children apart but it’s all good.
Yeah! It’s all good.
As a fellow twin mom I enjoyed reading this article. However, I feel compelled to offer a different perspective. Having twins is darn hard. I could complain all day about a billion aspects of it (and there are a billion more wonderful things about it). However, one thing that I can’t complain about is the extra attention. Twins are fascinating. Medically and sociologically there are so many amazing and interesting facets to ponder. People are naturally curious and their attentions are almost always good. So I can understand why people gawk and inquire. Moreover, it is so fun! Everyone notices my adorable little men and takes a second or two to appreciate how fantastic they are (regardless of their twin status). They are exquisite so they would get a little attention anyway (haha, no I am not a little biased or anything) but they certainly get more as twins. I know this because I have an equally exquisite older singleton. He got plenty of attention as a babe but not nearly as much as we all do today. And guess what? He loves it! He is so proud of his little brothers and often finds everyone oooohing and aaahing over him too. And of course my little twins love the attention. So to us, it all seems like a big wonderful bonus to having these miraculous little twins. Now, your “friend” who made the comment comparing your girls was just wrong and sounds like a social clod. That happens. Write her off and move on to the next bunch of compliments!
As for the inquiries trying to get at how we twin moms conceived, I again feel more tolerant than offended. I get these questions all the time too even though my boys are identical. But I had suffered many miscarriages and went through my own lengthy fertility battle. My twins are not the result of IVF (or IUI or Clomid – surprise, it was just the pregnancy that finally stuck!) but I would not be ashamed if they were. I typically find that the folks most curious about how my babes were conceived have a friend or family member suffering through infertility. They are often looking for stories of success or want to share their own story. Sure, there a bunch who just want to know if I had IVF but whatever, that is natural human curiosity… and again, it IS an interesting subject.
Anyway, I certainly do not mean to be critical of your feelings. I hear the same feelings expressed all the time by fellow twin moms. But I sometimes wonder if some of the complaints stem from the simple need to blow off some steam about SOMETHING because being a twin mom is so challenging in general!
my identical twins are 6 now and it is starting to taper off, but seriously, people are idiots. the blog made me laugh and remember how many idiots i’ve talked to since they were born.
“polar bear citing in Central Park”
“sighting”, not “citing”
Diane, The next time someone asks if they are “REAL” just respond by saying “NOPE COMPLETELY MADE OF PLASTIC” And for those of you with boy girl twins who get the stupid question of “ARE THE IDENTICAL” just say “YUP EXCEPT FOR THE PENIS”
oh the twin thing is so entertaining. My boys are 4 now and im a bit more immune to it. When they first came home from hospital they were only about 4 lbs and one was on oxygen. I had to laugh when i was in the supermarket one day, baby twins in a double buggy and oxygen cylinder….. a lady came up to me and asked if they were twins….nah…I just borrowed a baby for a day, didnt think a small baby on oxygen was enough work. Bless…she meant well. I stopped going shopping on wednesdays as its the day people got their pensions so it used to take me a good hour to get around the supermarket
I concur! the supermarket takes exceptionally long with twins!!