My favorite Christmas gift as a soon-to-be-mom was a Hooter Hider — a piece of fabric with a strap attached to hang it over your neck. This clever garment leaves both hands free so a mother can adjust a baby, drink water and maintain her privacy while simultaneously breastfeeding. Yes, this expensive excuse for a blanket was stylish, but mostly it seemed like a mantra for the kind-o-momma I wanted to be: one who had all the most-updated, hip, compact and “right” gear, making me the most equipped and chic mommy at the playground.
Then I actually had a baby and the sound of his cries would cause me to throw myself down exactly where I heard him and try to stop that heart-crushing noise as fast as possible with my food. And hiding anything was not even a thought.
But in time those screams became less frequent (or I just got used to them), so I ventured out. I grabbed my baby and car seat (35 pounds on my right arm) and my diaper bag filled with everything I collected during gestation (35 pounds on my left arm) and nearly fell over.
My first mommy-attache contained everything every book and person I consulted said I should carry for a newborn. Assuming I would just get used to hanging more than half my body weight from my limbs, I drove off to my first excursion fully loaded. I think I chose to do lunch with a male friend because I was so proud that I could — with my Hooter Hider in hand. Little did I know how uncomfortable I would feel when my baby wouldn’t stop screaming in a restaurant because he was afraid inside the breast-tent and I couldn’t even position him correctly beneath it. So much for burqa-ing my child.
I became marginally better at parenting for few months when suddenly I found myself pregnant again. My husband and I were almost over the shock of having two children within 16 months when, at our 8-week ultrasound appointment, we discovered we would be having twins.
I cried for a long time that day and right up until I delivered my identical daughters. Then I stopped because there wasn’t any more time for tears. Now that I had three children in diapers at the same time, all I could fit in my diaper bag were the bare essentials — and to my chagrin, I was never in need of anything else. I would love to tell you that the best thing that ever happened to me as a mother was an unexpected pregnancy that yielded me my own personal daycare of three kids under age 2 for eight long months (and then all under age 3 and now all under 4) because that would be so poetic. However, my parenting path is . . . intense.
This past Black Friday I was trolling the mall with all the rest of the parents hoping to find a deal and I realized I am a seasoned veteran now. While feeling the panic of soon-to-be moms at some “helpful” Momma-Gear-Boutique and the dogmatic quest of new grandparents at a Babies “R” Us, I wanted to give them all a collective Valium. I also felt like whispering that holiday shopping is only going to get worse when your kids watch TV and request things that you despise, so, learning not to get too attached to having the seemingly important gear and gadgets now, is the best thing you can do for yourself as a parent.
Simply put, it is the time you spend with small children not what you carry in your bag, that makes a more equipped mother, father, granny and pop-pop.
Now I think about that Hooter Hider and have no idea what happened to it. I can only assume it is deeply buried in the rubble of pretty stuff I was so excited to collect before I became a mother that didn’t help me one bit once I was one.
(Diane Farr is known for her roles in “Californication,” “Numb3rs” and “Rescue Me,” and as the author of “The Girl Code.” You can read her blog at getdianefarr.com, follow her on twitter.com/getdianefarr or contact her on facebook.com/getdianefarr.)
COPYRIGHT © 2010 DIANE FARR
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
I hope you and your family have a nice holiday. Both yours and his parents are visiting this year?
we do one set of grandparents at a time. so everybody can hog the grandkid on their shift. df
I needed this article a few years ago! When I had my first set of twins 25 years ago, I bought all the useless stuff. Of course then there wasn’t all the cool trendy baby stuff, but still I carried all the stuff that various people told me I’d need. By the time the second set of twins (yes, I am cursed) came 3 years later, I knew better than to try to carry all the unnecessary junk around with me. Unfortunately by the time I got pregnant again a few years ago (cursed again, getting knocked up my mid-40′s, but thankfully this time it was just one kid) I had forgotten everything I learned 20 years ago, and I bought all the crap that I didn’t need. I didn’t have the hooter hider – mine was the Bebe au Lait made of organic cotton. After lugging around a very large baby in a sling, while carrying a bag with every useless baby product, I couldn’t care less if my hooters were hidden or not. All the trendy baby gear that is purported to be portable doesn’t feel quite so portable when it is all stuffed in a bag hanging over your back while a huge baby is hanging from your front. Four years of seeing the chiropractor every week and my neck still doesn’t feel right.
I’m not sure but are you the woman that played Maria’s mother in Roswell? <3
Great article but I can relate to it because I don’t have any kids. I will however pass it along to my sister who is pregnant with her first and I’m sure she’ll get a kick out of it.
my last response should have started with ‘great article but I can’t relate…’ sorry about that:)
Hooter Hider!! The Mind Boggles
I have sniggered every time one of my friends (and their partners) have fallen into the same pattern as the date of their first child nears, only to find most of the stuff useless – thank heavens for ebay!! One friend in the UK even went as far as to trade in his nice “family sized” BMW saloon for some god awful Minivan thing…. I curse those contraptions!
Recently friends over here had their first child, and its even worse. Their once spacious home is now full of cots, cradles, bassinets and god knows what else thanks to the crap-o-rama even called a “baby shower”!!
My mother remembers the days when she used to get the 4 year old me, my infant brother, and everything she needed onto the bus, then do the weekly grocery shopping, and somehow manage to get everything back to the house. Could you imagine?! A hardy breed those Northern English women!!
your mother is a saint. i cry when i see people with more than one kid running for the bus.
and for the record, i have two mini-vans. And I kinda love them. but i also have a Porshe. fckn aye!
I am that woman. Amy Deluca. Mother to Maria Deluca. all created from the illustrious brain of Jason Katims.
you have five children. omg. when did you have tim to learn to use the Internet Ginny. Thank you for your note. And for showing me that i will survive the toddler years.
Tara, you can write whatever you like on here. You, Pringle, Nicole and Ginny. Go team GetDianeFarr
Love this article! We had 4 kids when we were much younger, then 16 yrs went by and we decided to have a couple more. Our 6 kids range in age from 28 down to 7. With the last two it was SO nice to really KNOW what we needed and what was a waste.
We have 8 grandkids all 6yrs and under and I’ve been proud of my kids for listening to my advice on the things they need.
OH, I meant to mention. With the first set of kids we went through 3 mini-vans and I remember saying when the kids were grown I’d never drive another.
I’m patiently waiting for Spring when I think I can finally trade my Jeep in for a, yep, MINIVAN! I CAN’T WAIT!
“you have five children. omg. when did you have tim to learn to use the Internet Ginny. Thank you for your note. And for showing me that i will survive the toddler years.”
Well, I only have one at home now, the monster baby 4 year old. Two of my kids are 25, and two are 21, and they no longer live at home. Until the last set went off to college I didn’t have time for internet or anything else. Having only one at home is much more managable. Anyway, yeah, the toddler years are survivable. I had a few black eyes, hair ripped out, etc during that time, but I did survive it.
After having the second set of twins, I had four children under 4. You have three under 4 now, right? I don’t think four kids under 4 is any worse. Really anything over 2 seems unmanagable. I am very thankful that this last pregnancy resulted in only one child. Although given how large he was it is quite possible that there were twins, but he ate the other one.
You have a Porsche? I love that car.
Minivans….. aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!
I am jealous of the Porsche…. You need an Aston Martin next!!
Diane, I pictured you more of a Toyota Prius type, because you’re so environmental friendly.
Just read on your Twitter that your in-laws are in town today. Good luck, girl.
thank you. looking forward for the kids getting good grandparent time. df
i’d actually love a hybrid suv. the Porsche was my husbands before we got married. and i hate driving it. was just being cheeky
Porsche is a hot car. My dad loves that car. Me? I like pricey, flashy types like Porsche, Lamborghini, Mercedes, BMW, etc.
Just missed my dad’s relatives. Oh well. Better luck next time.
So, the in-laws stay at your place or in a hotel?
hotel, motel, holiday inn. just not at mine
even tho i love them so.
OK!! How was your Christmas? Did anyone need any Pepto Bismol?
Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. What will you be doing? I’ll stay home and watch the party on TV.