There is a voice in my head that tells me everyday not to pay three dollars for a cup of tea. It’s not even coffee! And perhaps not even real tea.
The “non-fat, chai tea latte, with no water” that I order every day from Starbucks has no tea bag in evidence. Rather, a barista (which is Italian for college educated yet temporarily lost and hating oneself for pouring yuppie drinks) pours my tea into a paper cup from a box. No leaves, no steeping, no proof of tea at all. And for this “beverage” I pay 400 times its cost. And I do it daily.
So much so, that my three-year old recently told a fellow drone on the Starbucks line that the woman/mermaid in their logo is me. When I tried to correct my precocious child saying that is not a picture of mommy he whispered: “They took your picture yesterday Momma while we were waiting in line!”
Suddenly I realize that I’m not just overpaying for not so great tea—I’m waiting in line to do it.
How did this happen to me? I am a woman who was born without any patience. It’s like a genetic defect in my family. My father had no patience and he passed the flaw on to me and surely, I will pass it on to one of my children. Yet, if I find a tiny window for myself in a day, I will use it to drive away from the plethora of teas in my home and office, to get a non-fat, chai-tea latte, with no water at Starbucks. And not only wait in line for the chance to overpay for this boxed-tea-beverage, but also drive around in circles looking for parking to get it.
I’m not even entirely sure what it is about this ritual that I’m seduced by everyday. Other than the fact that when I make actual chai tea at home, it’s never as sweet as one from the Mothership. Which makes me wonder if it’s the sugar I’m addicted to rather than the experience (of waiting and overpaying.)
However I used to be a smoker. And although I gave up nicotine ten years ago and only committed my addictive tendencies to Starbucks three or four years ago, I do believe it’s possible I am using the cup, the lid and that strange heat protector thingee, like a cigarette. I reach for my non-fat, chai-tea latte with no water and just sip it, like I’m taking a drag. And do so all day. (Thus the switch to non-fat, so the milk wouldn’t go bad.)
Dr. Drew Pinsky of Celebrity Rehab defines addiction to be anything a person continues to do in the face of mounting consequences. I repeat Drew’s words when I find myself holding a toddler and yet refusing to put down my non-fat, chai-tea latte with no water. I do all I can to protect them this hot beverage, inevitably spilling it on myself, my husband, his car or my phone and basically, our lives. But only an addict or a jackass parent would take the risk to begin with. I’m really kinda hoping I’m the former.
At least I still say “small, medium and (on bad days) large though. I have refused to join the cult of coffee and rename sizes, even though I have lived in fear that a vernacular change was inevitable since I seem to have no other boundaries. Including ditching my entire family and our carry-on luggage to wait in line at an airport Starbucks and pay FIVE dollars for a SMALL cup of tea-drink. Until today, when I was waiting at the magic circle for said drink, and asked the barista in the newly remodeled Starbucks on my street, where the bathroom is.
It took me a minute to understand what the man meant when he said, “We don’t have a public bathroom.” Of course they have a bathroom, for their employees, but was that just code for “we don’t share our toilet with the likes of you?” Meaning the paying customers?
Even a junkie needs to believe that the home-wrecker supplying their fix cares about them, so I’m over Starbuck’s. I’m quitting my 3-5 dollar a day habit cold turkey. Which is just in time as they raise their prices “to be more green.” Which I don’t believe one bit because they are already saving money, and the environment, by hoarding all their toilet paper.
(Diane Farr is known for her roles in “Californication,” “Numb3rs” and “Rescue Me,” and as the author of “The Girl Code” and “Kissing Outside the Lines”coming this spring. You can follow her at twitter.com/getdianefarr or reach her at facebook.com/getdianefarr.)
COPYRIGHT © 2010 DIANE FARR
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
I just went downstairs to pick up the Trib and my daily $7 cup of starbucks caramel mocha, then got back up to my office, and sat down to read the paper and drink my overpriced coffee. When I starting reading this article, I laughed so hard I spit my coffee across the room.
I quit smoking in 2004, and only now just realized while reading this article that I substituted one addiction for another. But I also think that maybe going to starbucks for a fix is as much an escape as it is an addiction. When I was still smoking I generally only went to smoke when either coworkers, the husband or the kid were driving me crazy. It was an excuse to get away from all the chaos if even just for a moment. I go to starbucks everyday for the same reason. I could grab a copy of the trib from the receptionist area and get a free cup of coffee from the kitchen, but I need the escape.
Maybe you developed your starbucks habit for the same reasons? Saying, “I am going to stand outside for half an hour because you are all driving me crazy” never goes over as well as “I’m going to starbucks.”
Anyway, I’m heading back down to starbucks for another $7 caramel mocha. My excuse this time is that I didn’t really have an entire cup yet because I spit part of the first cup across the room while laughing my ass off.
While I’ve never been a coffee drinker, I did get a good chuckle out of this article. For me, the many different ways to have a cup of coffee from starbucks makes my head spin. Although I do love to go there for their blueberry muffins, does that count as an addiction? Now I do know people who can’t go a day without stopping at starbucks, my sister being one of them. However I’m not sure how she’s coping now since she’s pregnant. But if I had to guess, I’d say she’s going through some major withdrawal and counting down the days until she’s no longer pregnant.
The following clip pretty much sums up the whole Starbucks experience.
The guy is definitely coarse and crude, but he drives home the message with a wallop. The site may be a bit slow, but the video rant is truly a gem and well worth viewing.
Thanks
http://www.mtrmedia.com/brooklyn/2006/03/the-kid-from-brooklyn-starbucks-stick-it-up-your-.html
Once a month, my sister and I go to Starbucks. We totally get different drinks: my sister would get either non-fat pumpkin spice latte or sugar-free, non-fat caramel macchiato and I like non-fat, hot chocolate and frappuccinos.
ginny, this comment is wonderful. thanks for writing I laughed so hard. you made my day. df
Tara you better watch that blueberry muffin habit. it’s catches up!!! and ps, i still went to Starbucks everyday during the pregnancy. so don’t judge sissy if she is to…
omg Milan. if he took out 75% of the f-bomb’s it would be genius. thank you so much for sending it!!
I’m proud of you, Diane, that you quit smoking a decade ago. Any of your relatives smokers? Most of my relatives are smokers. I never had one cigarette and I have never seen my sister smoke.
remove “starbucks”, insert “coffee bean” and it’s like we are one. Tip for the addict – if you get there right as they are unlocking the magical doors, you get the best spot in the lot
You crack me up!
Even funnier, one could draw the conclusion that since eliminating public restrooms is what drove you away, that *the restrooms* are what people are getting addicted to! LOL
or Pete’s or Buzz for me now Eliz…sadly df
this might be true!
thanks df. Your columns always make my day. I just wish they were more frequent. The other humor hotel writers are also good, but I always relate more to your columns, and they always make me laugh. And if yours were more frequent I could continue blaming you for that second cup of caramel mocha. The others might make me laugh but I don’t often spit my starbucks across the room. Now I just need to find someone to blame for the fact that I am now on cup #3.
Addiction or habit? when does the latter become the former…. Am I addicted to logging onto facebook and writing pissy comments underneath my friends facebook status updates (or is that just an endearing part of my quirky personality… I like to think so).
When did it become acceptable to pay $5 for a coffee? Like you, this phenomema just sneaked up on me… maybe its because every visit to starbucks I make I get one of those little receipts which means I expense the mutha! Its like paying for petrol (I have no idea how much petrol actually is as I havent paid for a litre since 1997).
I guess we all have an addiction/habit/personality quirk…. Maybe you should go back to smoking and take a daily trip to Starbucks and light up!! If they complain just do it in the toilets…. its only a federal offence to tamper with the smoke detectors on airplanes so unless its a flying starbucks you’re safe!!
By the way… laughed my ass off reading this, and it’s certainly made an unbearable day at least bearable
love my snarky Pringle comments
I really wasn’t going to comment on anything, but after reading most of this site I came to this post. I hate Starbucks. I’ve been in NYC for 18+ years and I have only very rarely when forced by other people’s addictions gone into one of awful places. Give me a cheap cup from a street cart any day! At least the nice man in the cart has a good reason not to have a public bathroom but that doesn’t stop him for apologizing for it.
Remember when Starbucks first came to NYC? They built three shops within 200 yards of the Public Theater (I know you must know that neighborhood). They even replaced the old Astor Diner. I hated them for that alone. Then I tried their coffee. Try it without the 3 scoops of sugar and cut by half with milk. It’s awful. It’s marketing.
Sure, I have my addictions but I pay less than $1 for my cup of java. Maybe a bit more per serving of a good scotch or bourbon. Don’t even ask about my shoe habit.
I love this post Elizabeth. I love that you were so annoyed/moved that you HAD to comment. glad to have you. and yes I felt shameful every entering the starbucks that replaced the diner.