Just as Portugal’s president ratified a law allowing gay marriage, making his country the sixth in Europe to do so, Argentina became the first Latin-American country to make same-sex unions legally binding this week. Canada, Iceland and South Africa also shine on this list, but in only five U.S. states and Washington, D.C., are we willing to let love conquer all.

I don’t see how heterosexuals have the right to bar any unions. After all, the largest divorce settlement in recent history just occurred because Tiger is a cheetah and Elin’s freedom and silence are worth the equivalent of a small country’s gross domestic product.

If we really want to preserve the endangered traditional marriage, perhaps we shouldn’t ban same-sex marriage, but consider putting Katharine Hepburn’s thoughts about co-habitation into American law. The grande dame is said to have wondered whether men and women really suit each other. “Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then,” she quipped.

That’s the arrangement settled on by Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton, who rather infamously have lived next door to each other for almost their entire partnership (they say because of his snoring). Such an approach to coupledom might appeal to realtors, but it’s hardly a practical solution for the rest of us – though I can’t help but dream of it everyone once in a while.
Truthfully, I don’t understand the fear of gay marriage. Could it be that married heterosexuals who condemn same gender unions believe that if everyone gets a chance to ride the marriage-go-round, the institution’s legitimacy will somehow be diminished? Have they not seen “The Bachelor”? The first time I saw this “reality” show, I truly believed it was a farce. Eight seasons later, the joke is on me because there is absolutely no underlying meaning — other than America just loves segment producers picking a spouse for educated white people. (Of course viewers loathe any third world family that attempts to pick an acceptable spouse for a child, but maybe that’s because arranged marriages aren’t on network television.)

Are conservatives afraid that two male or two female partners would take marriage lightly? More lightly than the five celebrities I can think of who married and divorced within the same year — and the three I can recall who married and divorced within the same weekend in Vegas?  Given that among heterosexuals, American marriages end in divorce more than 40 percent of the time, shouldn’t we welcome gays and lesbians who are not only excited to embrace traditional marriage, but committed to making it work? At the very least, America’s embarrassing divorce rate could lower, making matrimony more revered and not less.

Or do right-wingers fear the straight population would be shocked and ashamed when the world sees how much fun marriage might be if it didn’t include the obligatory opposite-gender-based warfare? Ah, those battles with my husband who never throws out socks, underwear or T-shirts. Or the tiffs about him beating the tube of toothpaste down to its most anorexic state before discarding it. Or the endless skirmishes over his habitual displays of pocket change or restaurant matches in glass bowls because he mistaken believes they contribute to our home décor.

Wait a minute, if both members of a married couple are the same sex, is there any chance that both would be able to see the dishwasher is right next to the sink and fill the appliance and dare I dream – actually run it? If so, I’d bet the energy they don’t waste in dirty-dishes disputes could be put to more amorous use. I would really envy that.

I don’t actually believe that Kate Hepburn meant all men are messy and all women are June Cleaver and therefore should live apart. If that was the case, men could just take all their trash to the garage – like Jesse James. But considering how painful and palpable infidelity is in marriage – and working our way down to Mel Gibson’s behavior – maybe we could begin a dialogue about what is important to keep traditional unions alive, by honoring requests from people who really want to be a part of the institution. What if the newcomers to the state of matrimony actually reminded us all why it should be held up to our highest regard?

I realize that many of you reading this might embrace a religious proscription on marriage between anyone other than a man and a woman. But exclusionism seems like a Christian value of long ago. No nomadic tribe of gay lovers are coming to your state to take your marriage down. Rather, inclusion for all types of family, feels like the first step towards honoring so many lessons in every religious dogma. Maybe we could all learn something from a couple that has had to virtually part the red sea to make their own version of Ozzie and Harriet come true.

(Diane Farr is known for her roles in “Californication,” “Numb3rs” and “Rescue Me,” and as the author of “The Girl Code.” You can read her blog at getdianefarr.com, follow her on twitter.com/getdianefarr or contact her on facebook.com/getdianefarr.)
COPYRIGHT © 2010 DIANE FARR
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

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