On July 2, 2005, Martin Heidgen decided to drive his car after a game of beer pong and drinking at a bbq. Mr. Heidgen was so entitled in his drunken stupor, that he either turned himself around in a traffic circle or drove down an off ramp onto a New York parkway – and raced into the night, in the wrong direction. Five motorists would later testify to the lengths they went to warn, stop and report Hiedgen’s behavior. But it wasn’t enough to end his 70-mile per hour show of force.
Kate was in a limousine on this parkway. Her Aunt was married that afternoon and Kate was the flower girl. She was buckled in and attempting to sleep in the limo after the best party of her whole life. Her family surrounded her and the hired driver, Mr. Stanley Rabinowitz, was at the helm.
Mr. Rabinowitz was killed instantly when Mr. Hiedgen aimed his car directly into Kate’s limousine. Kate’s Grandma, Grandpa, father and sister were all taken to separate hospitals because the amount of machinery needed to keep them alive was epic. Kate’s mom, somehow, only broke part of her foot. I imagine she was spared physical pain because she was tasked to pick up her perfect, beautiful, first-born daughter and carry her out of the limo. But only part of her—because when Mr. Hiegden drove his car into this family he decapitated Kate Flynn, at seven years old.
I met Kate shortly after she was born. Her mother, Jenna, is my oldest friend. We spent our childhoods together in ugly school uniforms, hearing about the goodness of God. I abandoned this God a long time ago, as the fear that came with his good word out weighed the good for me. My friend still reveres him though and survives, almost entirely, on her faith that He is taking care of Kate. For this reason I catch myself praying to Jenna’s God as June comes to a close each year. And any other I can think of who might help her. I wonder what special bartering chip that I, a mere mortal, might offer these benevolent beings to entice them to stop the unending pain that haunts Jenna and everyone she loves.
But the Gods bring me no solace. I’m more disappointed in them than ever. Except Dionysus. Dionysus I just pity. I imagine that he lies in shame all day on Mt. Olympus as he watches what we have done with his beautiful gift. To take wine – that he meant for merriment and laughter and lovemaking – and use it instead to destroy.
I watched Oprah when she introduced my friend Jenna on her show, a few years after the crash, by asking how many people in the studio audience had ever driven drunk. Everyone sheepishly raising their hands seemed like an act of contrition until I heard Jenna utter, “if you now ask how many people pick their nose, everyone will find it much more uncomfortable to raise their hands.” Which perfectly illuminated where the problem actually exists with drunk driving.
So now I am turning to man and our freedoms that Fourth of July celebrates. Courts can change law but we all make the social judgments. And this is where we need to begin to turn the tide on driving drunk—in one backyard at a time.
If a woman ran out of a bar with a gun in her hand or a college student stumbled out of frat party swinging a bat – the brave would wrestle them down. Yet so many of us say nothing when we watch someone put their drink down and pick up their car keys. Similar to how spousal abuse was “frowned upon” in the 1950’s. Frowning and shaming are two very different things. And with some judgment, dare I even say shame, directed to one person this Fourth of July if they attempt to use a 3000 lb piece of machinery after partying—we can stop the carnage.
So that Jenna and her family can begin to repair themselves, five years after Kate’s death. And Dionysus and his gift might be revered once again. And stories about beheadings at the hand of a drunk, will be reserved solely for period dramas on television. And perhaps, no other flower girls will be murdered when a drunk is allowed, by a backyard full of witnesses, to use a car like a weapon against families on their wedding days.
(Diane Farr is known for her roles in “Californication,” “Numb3rs” and “Rescue Me,” and as the author of “The Girl Code.” You can read her blog at getdianefarr.com, follow her on twitter.com/getdianefarr or contact her on facebook.com/getdianefarr.)
Diane~ So tragic. If you were an average writer I might just be misty. However, you are a fabulous transformer of life to words and now I am bawling. I thank you for it.
You are very kind to me, but I also know that you are breast feeding and those hormones might have a little something to do with your feelings, as well as your beautiful, perfect, first born baby girl, too.
xo DF
I remember seeing this in the news. so sorry to them and all your family
I saw this article in the TampaBay newspaper on-line and saw this comment. I thought you might appreciate it:
“We must prevent, dare I even say shame, any friend or acquaintance this Fourth of July who attempts to operate a 3,000-pound piece of machinery after partying.”
Diane,
I like yor POV on this – particularly that individuals need to take personal responsibility. (I was expected to read that we need more government regulation, the typical reaction of people impacted in such ways). God Bless Katie and all who suffer from her loss!
I agree with you, we just have a long way to go.
I know this story well and I wasn’t sure I could even read the whole thing when I realized what this was about. But just like I love you for being brave enough to put all these feelings out there, i love your take on this story – one that has no good ending possible. Thanks for giving us a little bit of power to change our own future
Never been on your site before Diane, and now you have ruined my mascara for the night. Well said though.
For what it’s worth, this comment was also on the Tampabay site –
One cannot be angry at God and disbelieve in God at the same time. The author’s head apparently was filled at a young age with a cartoon version of God, which she rejected when the harshness of life intruded. It seems she has rejected – and remains angry at – the teaching about God that she received in her “ugly uniform,” yet she continues to struggle with God for meaning and purpose in this life. This is the human dilemma. The answers, if any, must be on the other side, where Katie awaits, one hopes, eternally young.
Don’t reallly agree but thought you might want to know.
RE THOMAS FORWARDING THE MANS COMMENT THAT IT IS UP TO US AS A SOCIETY – that’s just about the nicest comment i could have possibly hoped for. thank you for sharing Thomas. I can’t take credit for the stance though, I learned it from Jenna. She is an unbelievably smart person. To find clarity in this situation is, just, over my head.
RE HAVING A LONG WAY TO GO: We do. Someone told me last night about this u-tube video where a guy is doing this kooky dance and everyone laughing – until one person joined in and then another and another till hundreds were involved. And the guys was saying that the brave person is not the crazy, artist guy who does the dance at the top – it’s the second and third person who jump in and risk ridicule before the tipping point in the trend, where you risk ridicule if you don’t jump in. I WROTE THIS TO INSPIRE THE SECOND AND THIRD PERSON who is willing to call out a drinker this weekend. I got your back, just get in there and do it. DF
RE NOT BELIEVING IN THAT GOD AND BEING ANGRY AT ALL THE GODS…i’m gonna take the fifth on this one, which, i almost never do. but i like the chatter and the poetic tone. df
I saw this on Oprah. Oh man! I cried when they talked about the tragic ordeal. I didn’t know you are friends with the lady. Can you send my love and prayers to her?
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Diane Farr, Diane Farr. Diane Farr said: 2 new columns are up! BUT BEWARE- the latest is not my usual humorous take. Get a tissue. http://getdianefarr.com/?p=667 [...]
So lovely and moving, Diane. Thank you for writing this piece. I am not surprised that your editor has sent it far and wide. I hope that it has a resounding impact this weekend and beyond.
that is by far, the saddest story i have ever heard and yet, i want to thank you for it.
i will pray to my god for her family.
I had to go and do more reading about this because I couldn’t believe this story. Thank you for inspiring me to stop what I was doing and pay attention to what is important. Love, family, health and kindness. You are a wonderful writer and my prayers are with the Flynn family.
I believe Christ died for our sins, and maybe Kate’s death will not be in vain either. I’m so sorry for this family and their suffering but maybe they and you too, will serve and provide a higher purpose
Thank You Deb Stark
after a few days of comments Nicole, I will send all the messages to the family so that they might feel some extra love over this very hard weekend to live through. I normally just try to leave them be, but i’m so happy to have all these thoughts and prayers to share with them.
Diane, as someone who drives for a living, I see WAY too many tragedies and I always wonder how many of them involve alcohol. I wonder how many could have been prevented by saying no or telling someone NO when they try to drive. It is so tragic that a life is taken before it has really lived. As for your personal belief or non belief,… I don’t believe in hitting people over the head with the bible. I am a Christian but I never read where Jesus grabbed Peter by the hair and said “Your coming with me!” I plan to have a drink with my wife but I promise you it will be in our living-room and NOT on the road and we WON’T be going anywhere after.
Thanks for sharing this story and may I say,.. “God Bless You!” Ed
Diane, One of the things which amazes me is the blase attitude of American society to drink (and drug) driving. I cannot understand how a society which is supposed so advanced can turn a blind eye to this. About 30 years ago in the UK the attitude was similar, however the government took a stand, tightened the law, introduced harsher sentences, zero tolereance, and embarked on an advertising campaign that turned drink drivers into social pariah’s. Imagine if, by law, the police were allowed to stop and breathalyse any driver, and if that driver was 1mg of alcohol over the limit they lost their licence. It happens now in the UK. The result is a huge reduction in accidents caused by drunken idiots. America and americans need to follow suit. It is not your right to get drunk, get behind the wheel and endanger the lives of others.
I’m with you totally on this having lost a very close friend to the actions of a drunken idiot over Christmas 1992. I wont bore you with the details, and the only solace I find in this is that at least the drunken idiot in question was convicted of manslaughter. It doesnt bring my friend back I know, but having such zero tolerant acts as a greater deterrent. The greatest deterrent however is definately the attitude of society and this has to change in the USA.
Diane, it is amazing. I know that you have that much, but I wanted to ask you something. I have a website about you and I would like to ask you for an interview via e-mail. But if you do not, certainly do not mind, because it has to have a lot. But I had to try. Thank you very much and I wish all the best. Radka
Thanks, Diane!
I am sorry about your friend. And I’m sure the details are not boring, but gut-wrenching to tell even this many years later. I would love the law to change. but my friends story is so tragic and if you can imagine – most of this wreck was caught on VIDEOTAPE – and still not that much law was changed… I think we have to human to human support and interest before the law will follow. As you know I went to college in England, and as you also know, drank my face off. All the laws around drinking are much better in England, Europe, everywhere really. America has the most leniant drunk driving penalties in all the world from the research i did at the time of the crash. Which I still think is because people don’t care that much.
Enjoy your drinks. I will be doing the same. and thank you for your lovely comments
She would be proud of you, stopping people # article at a time
-Elizabeth
Hi Diane,
Loved the blog post. What an intense, tragic story. I am also very much interested in stopping drinking and driving (I got a DUI when I was 17 and was sentenced to juvi — they taught me a lesson I never forgot). I take cabs all around town and encourage everybody else to do so. Thanks for writing this
Diane,
Both of these articles are wonderful, but especially, of course, the story of Kate. Thanks for sending…thanks for writing.
Julie
Whitney! (RE JUVI) That’s the most intense thing I’ve heard for an underage offense. I’m so happy to hear it did help and put a positive spin on things. That’s not what I would have imagined, but i’m so glad to hear it. thanks for sharing that with me.
[...] it up to my being a pop culture/television moron, but I had no idea when I considered this column for publication that its author, Diane Farr, is an actress as well as a writer. I’d never even heard of the [...]
go to http://www.read-news.info/general/the-fourth-of-july-and-a-dead-child/ to see this comment.
[...] it up to my being a pop culture/television moron, but I had no idea when I considered this column for publication that its author, Diane Farr, is an actress as well as a writer. I’ve never even heard of the [...]
http://www.dallashomesdigest.com/the-fourth-of-july-and-a-dead-child/
What is the established church?
My husband’s son was killed by a drunk driver over ten years ago. His six week old grand-daughter still lives, although by all medical criteria, she is brain dead. These lives were destroyed because of a legal system that imposes no major penalties on first offenders. This particular killer was on his fourth drink related offense. One previous charge involved a weapon. Who could have stopped him? If he killed with a car because he was drunk, had someone tried to stop him from driving while he had a gun, he could easily have done the same. The only solution is zero tolerance and maximum penalty under the law for those who choose cars as their instruments of death.
I just read your piece in the Dallas Morning News and I’m choked with tears and distress.The feelings are the same as when I first read of the disaster – was it 5 years ago? The unimaginable horror of the family who had to endure the death of a child in this way should not be experienced by human beings and should never be caused by other human beings – but it is every day.
Your comments should be entered into the congressional record of every state and be required reading for every school child old enough to understand it, and maybe … just maybe
the message will get through to the people who can effect change, which is every one of us.
Diane, I’m sorry you feel you can’t believe in God. He loves you and He loves Kate and Jenna. I wish you wouldn’t blame God for our inabilities to live life less selfishly and more with His love toward others, selfless love that puts others before ourselves. Maybe if that man that was drunk and disorderly had loved God, he wouldn’t have put himself before that little girl. We put entirely too much blame for God on our foolishness and self-centeredness. There is something greater than ourselves and we need to wake up and realize that. Thanks for your candidness and I will pray for God to reveal Himself to you for the loving God He truly is. That man killed beautiful Kate, not God.
“One backyard at a time” is a great essay.
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!
RE PATTY AND GOD’S LOVE- for all the readers, please know that I shortened Patty’s comment because it was a lot of talk of God, and I’m taking artistic license to keep this conversation closer to the crash, our responsibilities, Kate, and life from here on in.
PATTY – I appreciate you taking the time to write, and for you sending me your prayers and hopes for a spiritual connection. I do enjoy one, just not such a specifically religious one. I really appreciated your thoughts about selfishness, and personal responsibility. And being so brave to share your beliefs.
Janice, your comments are so heartfelt. Thank you for writing, and sharing that the article ran in the Dallas Morning News. I never know where the articles land.
Cynthia – I’m so happy you shared your family story with everyone here, and I’m so sorry for all the loss that must have come with your husband’s son’s death and the challenges his daughter was left with. I agree with you, about the law. I just don’t think laws will change until their is a big dirty, social judgement by friends and neighbors and co-workers and children. I think we have to be moved as a society to see a reflection in the law. Then we will all sleep easier at night. df
RE THE CHURCH – I was raised Catholic
nice post Diane. thanks.
Diane:
‘
The local newspaper ran this tragic story this Sunday morning. I am glad that Jenna has found what peace she can from her faith, and that you have been there for her. I had no idea where you had gone after Numb3rs, but am delighted to disover this blog and see another side of you.
Diane, thank you so much for writing the article on the Flynn Family. The first time I heard about this tragic accident was on Oprah 4 years ago. Like you, I think of this family every year and pray for them to find some comfort in their loss. I will admit its not only this time of the year I think of this family – Katie reminds me so much of my own granddaughter – but all the holidays of the year.
I was wondering just how the whole family was doing, the parents, children even the couple who were married on July 4th were having a terrible time and the grandparents.
This family will always be in my prayers. I also had a friend who lost her daughter to a drunk driver, 18 years ago. It is always on ones mind.
Thank again for the article. It was in the Denver Post, today July 4th.
Pat Harbour
Dear Diane, want to say that you wrote a movingly PROFOUND article. My heart breaks for your friend Jenna..yet rejoices! She does have a strong faith in spite of her most horrific loss. It’s a mystery..God did not CAUSE the accident, yet He ALLOWED it. God has a higher purpose than we as mortals can ever begin to comprehend. Do you think that this man who was angry, intoxicated and so irresponsible was controlled by God? Or maybe by evil? I was at first angry to read that you had “abandoned God long ago.” Then as this thought sank in, realized that I was more saddened by this statement..and you did have the courage to admit this, which is actually a good place to begin. The truth is, nobody will know the whole truth on this side of heaven. Would like to say much more about God, our Savior; but will defer to Him and close by saying a prayer for you, Jenna and family that HIS BEST WILL BE DONE through this tragedy. Karen Krueger
I was raised with the simple rule that no one had the right to endanger others by drinking and driving; that those who did it were beneath contempt. I’ve spent my adult life (so far) as a designated driver, and while I’ve missed a lot of so-called ‘fun’, none of my friends have ever killed anyone, no matter how drunk they’ve been.
What a heart-wrenching story, Diane. Dr. Drew tweeted and revived the story. May your friend’s and other’s stories live on. And, in hope, may there be no further stories to tell.
As a marriage and family therapist, who also treats clients with addictions, I’ve seen the carnage left behind. It’s not pretty. Loss of income, friends, family, your home, your children. And, as this account shows, your abuse can kill others.
No one said it’s easy to quit. In the meantime, don’t drink and drive. Have cabfare. Better yet, stay home if you must drink.
-Brenda
Re BRENDA, THE MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST – thank you for your post and your empowering work. I wonder who most of us in our 30′s and 40′s would be today if there had been more marriage and family therapists around in the 70′s and 80′s. -df
Thanks
re AUNTIELMG AND THE RULE AT HER HOUSE – i love this rule. this was not even considered amongst my family I’m sad to say. It is of course now. but I plan to incorporate with my kids just as you did.
and I’ve been a designated driver and the drunk-girl people have driven home. its a toss up which is more fun to tell you the truth. i’m not sure you are missing anything.