Ah, Tiger.  Not only is your game blown on the course and the road, but now it seems your wife is heading north and your endorsement contracts are going south, too.  I plan to support your wife at whichever path she takes, but your sponsors?  They’re being short sighted.  There are all kinds of new deals just waiting for you!

For starters, your team should reach out to Apple immediately.  You have just shown America the iPhone App that every philanderer needs.  If iPhone is ready to harness the cheetah in every tiger, the ‘hole-in-one app’ can fortify that lie you have taught us can become ‘an evidentiary voicemail between friends.’

Instead, by simply tapping a golf club shaped icon on a touch screen, any paramour can discretely change their outgoing message to a man’s voice saying, “Hi this is Phil, leave a message.”  Think of all the hostesses who could have been hotel-room-contenders if only we had this in 2009.

But the real money is in the full-line of Tiger apps.  As of today, we are 4 adulterers away from what we can call the ‘18-hole app package’.  Starting with fellow athletes, we begin with the NBA since they had the most nefarious hotel game going until Tiger showed them.

Touching the Shaq app, denoted by a dagger icon, connects you to google where the application finds phone numbers for all the fiancés of the men in your phone book.  Next is the Kobe app, shaped like a diamond, which links to your GPS and gives directions to precious stones over 5 karats in any American city – in case you are arrested and need a morning after gift for your wife.

Segueing to other play-uhs: the Aggasi app is a reference guide to the periodic table of elements incase you are cooking up some cold medicine and get lost.  The Michael Vick app is a pre-loaded spreadsheet designed to file for bankruptcy.  (You just add in any idiotic reason for losing hundreds of thousands of dollars.)  The Favre app is an automated evite to your retirement party, with a matching download to your coming out party dated one year later.  The Roger Clemens app links to multiple affirmations to help you believe your own lies.  My personal favorite though, is the Shawn Kemp Ovulation app.   Touching this mini-calendar and floating it over the mid-section of any female, will tell you if she is ready to carry your next child.

Sports stars aren’t the only ones using their celebrity inappropriately though.  Also included in this low-rent special are: the Eddie Murphy app – shown as the silhouette of a female body only with a protruding adams apple, which should be flashed at women you ‘entertain in your car’ to get a gender reading on them.  The Roman Polanski app – shaped as a Quaalude, gives you multiple questions to ask any young lady about the year she says she was born.   The Mark Sanford app – which looks just like the billboard for “Up in the Air,” is a pre-fab expense report that allows you to leave out where you have been and who you were with.   And lastly, the Eliot Spitzer app – which is tastefully denoted as one hand on the bible while the other is raised to take an oath.  This app automatically sends your wife flowers on a weekly basis, during a civil or criminal trial, and throughout ensuing jail time.

And those are the ‘seemingly good guy’ apps in this dirt bag bundle.  Musicians on tour (who I won’t name for fear of inspiring a reality show) constitute the seven remaining apps.  After using them your phone is blown to smithereens in the hopes of containing disease and war.

But the final frontier in the Team Tiger misbehavior-application-market – is simply noted with a cigar.  Touching it connects you to Ken Starr’s cell phone incase you need immunity.

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